For 37 Years, I have tried to come up with the exact words I want to say, well not exactly 37 but for a very long time. I cant say I am angry any longer, because what good does that do to be upset with someone who doesn't care. I have always been better with writing my thoughts and feelings, but when it comes to you, I am clueless. All I can say is that it has all been your choice.
I can not say what happened with you and my mom but it was your choice to try your best to be there for me and you chose not to. For years I was angry at my mother because I thought it was her that made you stay away, but it wasn't. Although she and I have clashed over the years and she has not been the poster child for mother of the year, she raised me without you and with that being said, now here is what I have to say to you.
I felt like I had missed out on so much, but its you that missed out. You missed out on being called daddy, and all the Christmas days and Birthdays. You missed out on me going through my tomboy phase, mud pies and finger paintings. You weren't there to give my first boyfriend a talk or to comfort me when I got my heart broken for the very first time. You missed so many things, that were so important to me, like your grandchildren being born, or anything else I have accomplished in my life. I have learned so many hard lessons in life and all without you there, so what does it all mean?
It means I have become the woman I am today without you ever being by my side. I am creative and thoughtful, I have a temper at times, but I am fast to forgive. See I appreciate the little things in life and know life is too short to be angry at those who deserve it. I let go of my anger a long time ago, but this all has went unsaid for many years. I have tried to make a relationship with you as an adult, but you do the same thing that you have always done, run away from me. I now know its not any of my doing, because I didn't ask for you to bring me into this world, and things happen for a reason. So I don't owe anything but my thoughts, and its all for me, because I have sat down and wrote this letter many times, to just throw it away. You may never know these words, and that's ok, because it has all came out, through the tips of my fingers.
HI Janet,
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling with the world. I can so understand you. My father have left us too and wasnt a real father. I dont have seen him for more than 14 years and I dont know where he is and what he is doing. Sad but true.
Loved your post cause I felt you have written it to my father too.:)
Thank you*Linn
I wish I could get a response but I know he just doesnt care, so I had to let go. Sometimes some lessons in life take a while to learn. Fathers who walk out on their kids, miss a lot. The way I see it, his loss. I think your an amazing person and your father missed out too!
ReplyDeleteAlways welcome :)