Goodbye 2012. A year in review and what I have learned

So here we are at the end of another year. In a few short days we will be ringing in another year with our resolutions that we may or may not keep. We made it past the predicted end of the world, so we should make it count right? So how was your year looking back?

My year seemed to blow by so quickly that the last few days I have sat and reflected on it. We are in fact in a new cycle of life aren't we. Isn't that what the end of the Mayan calendar really meant? My 2012 had a mixture of ups and downs. I learned a lot this year, about myself, about people, about life. I am looking at 2013 with hopes that it will indeed be much better than 2012.

In March of this year we left our home in Brooklyn, NY and moved to Florida, not an unknown territory for me however, I was returning as a completely different person than when I left in 1996. We spent months searching for a house, purchased a new vehicle and moved into our new home and my oldest daughter graduated high school. Just in those short few months I learned so much and instead of stewing on it continuously I decided that I will just learn and throw it in the past. In less than a week I start a new chapter in my life. I am returning to school so I can finally get a career, a little late in the game but better late than never.

My family and I took an amazing cross country trip, I got to see and visit places I have only seen in pictures. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge, we drove down Lombard Street, spent time with some amazing people who I have so much love and respect for. I got to spend time with a friend who I had not seen in a few years, and learned so much about our country, and the Navajo people who are just amazing. What an amazing journey it was.

Fall seemed to be the beginning of what seems to be an unending nightmare. I say seems because it is still happening. We have lost so many people in our family since August, mostly to cancer, some to other illnesses but for the most part death has chosen cancer to be the breaker of hearts in our family. I honestly fear my phone ringing or getting a text. It seems like every time is bad news, and I don't see how I sleep at night. All the stress of losing loved ones has done nothing but caused me to have irritation in my stomach. Another person in my family is dying now, and again it is cancer. This person has been special in my life although we had grown apart. I recently got to speak to him and let him know that mistakes are made, and that I love him dearly. I wish I hadn't waited so long but we both come from a long line of stubbornness.

I know this, life is too short. Love those who truly love you, forget the fake people in your life. To be healthy you have to participate in life, lose stress if you can and go out and enjoy every single day. Shitty days will come and go, but what you do with it is up to you. If you want to lose weight, change the way you eat, but you also have to exercise and take care of yourself. The people who call themselves your friends, if they are they will be there no matter what, if they aren't they will slowly disappear. If that happens, let them go because people like that will only bring you down.

I am going to try in 2013 try to focus more on the good and less on the bad. I will try and focus more on my weight loss, making our home the way we want it, and just being happy. I forgot how to live in the last few years for letting other people into my head. In 2013 it will be about the new me and making my  little family happy. So what will you do? Make it count, your getting another chance to make your life fantastic, don't waste it, others do not have the ability. Love, Peace, Health and a Happy New Year to you all!

How to love yourself

This is a topic that will hit home with so many people, because when you think about it we really don't. So how do we love our self and how do we know we don't already? Good question! I can tell you from years of experience that I didn't and really had to learn on my own how to do this. Its very simple when you think about it, and all you need to do is remind yourself what to do.

The first step to loving yourself is doing something for you every day. I know you might say, " But I don't have time." Everyone has time! Take a walk in the evening, sit on your porch with a cup of tea, take a nice warm shower , have a glass of wine and listen to relaxing music. All of these things I have mentioned are just a few of many things you can do to relax and unwind. If you are stressed out all the time it really makes you feel down, can make your body do weird things and can ultimately lead to depression, trust me its all from my own experience. Do yourself a favor and start to do something for yourself, and keep a journal or a blog in no time you will see what a difference it makes. If you didn't love yourself before you will now.

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2m9f9s/m.wikihow.com/Take-a-Detox-Bath/

Fast food is a killer! If you don't believe it, just look back at yourself, friends, family, society. Do you eat out all the time? Look back 15, 20, 30 years ago. We were all more active at one point and some of us a lot skinnier, healthier, happier. Our country has turned into a land of convenience and we have all become lazier. Fast food was the way to refuel on the go and be able to continue. This is a really bad habit. OK, I get it so you love that Wendy's chicken sandwich or that burger from checkers. I admit it there are places I love, but its so very very bad for you. I have made it a point to stop eating out so much, and it does make me feel better.

The typical diet should include 2000 calories to maintain a healthy body weight. If you are a little over weight, you can adjust this but keep it healthy. Talk to your doctor or nutritionist before making any changes to assure that you make the correct choice. My Dr. advised me to keep it between 1800-2000 calories a day. You can join Weight Watcher online, follow Fat Loss for Idiots or simple modify your way of shopping. Greatest advice that I received from friends and they look great, " STOP SHOPPING IN THE MIDDLE ISLES!". Avoid all the boxed stuff, canned basically anything that is processed. I am still working on this but I am getting better. Have a cheat day 3 times a month and eat whatever you want, but the day after go back to your healthy eating and of course you need to exercise. When you feel healthier you will be able to love yourself more.  http://www.livestrong.com/article/263595-how-many-calories-do-i-need-per-meal/

Have fun! Be silly! Being serious all the time does not help anything at all and pretty much makes you hold everything inside. Be silly and let the stress out. Be adventurous and take a drive without using your GPS, just pick a direction and go. It doesn't have to be cross country but travel beyond your comfort zone. I always enjoy our random road trips, and we usually end up discovering something very cool. Have a game night, or a theme for every night of the week. Pick up silly costumes or hats and designate a day of the week. This is just another example on how to be happy and stress free. Stop worrying about what others might think and live. If people have something negative to say about your wacky, fun side they are just jealous!

Life is too short, so you have to be happy! This is the ultimate rule and will help you love yourself more. Be happy because somewhere in the world, someone has it way worse than you. Don't feel sorry for yourself. You think you hit bottom? So its time to climb back up and don't look back. Your mind can make you think things and before you know it, you feel what you think. STOP THAT! Read a book on positivity, cut the negative people from your life. Do something happy for you and surround yourself with happy positive people. Its been proven that the mind can make the body think its ill and this usually involves being depressed. Tell yourself your healthy and happy. Get out of bed, off that couch, drop that McDonald's cheeseburger. Go do something that makes you happy. If you keep telling yourself your sick, tired, etc then you will be. I refuse to be those things anymore and I feel better every day. No its not going to happen overnight but it will happen and you will begin to feel better. This will get yourself on track to a healthier, happier, more loving you! No I am not an expert, just someone who wanted and needed to love herself. So its all up to you, why not start today?

It all comes down to you.

Remembering Aunt Mary

On August 10th 2012 lost quite an amazing woman to cancer. I can't begin to tell you how ANGRY that makes me. Our family has had it pretty hard with this damn disease but I can tell you one thing its not breaking us down. My aunt was so very special, in every way. She was not wealthy but she had a heart of gold and to me that made her the richest woman in the world. She smiled every day, never complained, I never saw her angry ever and boy did she give great hugs and kisses.

How can a woman so amazing suffer from such a nasty disease? She held true to the end. I had just barely returned from my trip to California when I was informed that she was diagnosed and had 2-6 months depending on how fast the cancer spread. How could this be? I sat on my bed and I felt as if someone had shot me with a stun gun. With in the next few days I had called her, she had been very sick and it was hard to catch her feeling well enough to talk. When I finally got to speak with her I did all I could to hold in the tears. I still couldn't believe it but I told her how much she meant to me and how very much I loved her. She let me know she loved me too. That was the last time I spoke with her, but I am at peace knowing that I was able to let her know.

My aunt had a smile that could light up a room, a laugh that could cheer you up on the worst of days, and hugs that could melt your heart. She also was a carbon copy of my grandmother ( my mom's mother ). One memory of her that I hold so close to my heart is how I found out that my grandmother Virgie, on my fathers side had died. We had just moved back to West Virginia and we were over at my aunts house. I really wanted to see my grandma and sure I had been bugging my mother about it non stop. I know I had been called in the house and my aunt told me to come sit on her lap. She held me really close pointed at a photo hanging on the wall of my great grandparents. She asked me if I knew where they were and I said " Yes in heaven". I just remember her hugging me very close and she told me that my grandma was also now in heaven, that she had been very sick and had passed away.

To a kid in the 4th grade, it was hard to understand really what cancer was, but I knew I didn't like the word. I cried and she held me, rocking me in the chair, but I felt the love and comfort being with her. Now she is gone and no longer suffering. I can still hear her calling my name and laughing, " Janet Lee come here..." because I was always doing something silly, or falling down.


I have not felt this saddened since my uncle John was killed years ago, not that I was not sad for the passing of other family members, but there are some people that just are held a little closer to my heart. I hope that a cure for cancer will be found soon, but until then I will continue to donate to help find a cure.

 To my family I love you guys and my heart breaks that she is gone. And to my aunt Mary, your an amazing woman who I have always loved and will forever hold you in my heart. I love you! May you rest in peace!

Arriving at your cross road

In life I believe we take for granted so much, until we start getting older and thinking more about where we are going. You arrive at your cross road and think where now? What direction do I choose? I believe I have arrived at my cross road. Recently I have taken on quite a few changes. I moved from NYC back to FL, moved into our new home and drove 2,920 miles from FL to CA. Yes, that's right and I did all the driving on my own, well at least on the way there.

When  you drive this long you have plenty of time to think and I believe I did a ton of that without really knowing it. I thought about what I might do as a career, how can I improve myself and other things that really that don't matter. Today I walked the Golden Gate Bridge. Why? Well I love walking and what an amazing view we had. While I was walking, I thought more and more. I have done something that most people don't get to experience and seen some of the most beautiful and amazing things along the way. So what now? I am 38 and will be 40 in 2 years.

I have arrived at my cross road. I have skills from jobs I have had over the years, I have had experiences and ideas I can use to my advantage. I have worked and worked hard, dealt with crazy things all while wearing a smile and most of the time keeping my thoughts to myself because I have come to find out that you really can't trust people sometimes, however this is all a part of the circle of life.

I think I have held onto the negative from my life for too long, I worry way too damn much and I don't believe in myself as much as I really should. I have listened to the wrong people, and let them make decisions for my life they had no business making because somewhere along the line I let these people make me believe that I was not worthy of doing that myself.

I am now taking that power back, I am going to do the things that make me happy and that make me a better person. If these people are too negative for my life, they will be cut out, simple as that. I may have said this many times but this time I mean it. I have to do what's right for me now. I am going to try to write my blog posts more because I love writing and I am working on taking a script I wrote for a film short and turning it from 10 minutes of filming to 90 minutes and I know I can do it.

One quote from a movie I love really lays it all out , " So do all who see such times. But this is not for us to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that we are given". For me I  have decided to work harder at losing weight and to make sure  I am happy with me, it doesn't matter what any one else thinks. I have seen and made it through worse. I could lose everything I have worked so hard for, my home, my relationship, or anything in my life I value right now and I will still be ok. So where will I go at my cross road? This is for me to decide, but I know it will be great!

 

Perfect?

I am not perfect! This is a statement that if you know me or not, are well aware of. I have made mistakes, I have fallen down, let people down and just have not been myself at times, but I am not perfect. I was raised with this, " If you are pointing at someone there are always 3 fingers pointing right back at you.", now that at times is very hard to remember but it always hits you at just the right time.

I grew up in a family that didn't have much but we made the best of what we had, and I never at anytime if I had more threw it in peoples faces. I was the same person in middle school that lived in a trailer, that then lived in an awesome house with a pool and then to a house with no pool and smaller, but I was me. I treated my family the same as well as my friends. I thought it was how everyone should be but that wasn't the case.When you grow up you start to see that people you admired before aren't the same anymore, then the older you get the big picture gets a little clearer.

I went from being this naive southern girl to getting quite the reality wake-up call when I left West Virginia to start a new life after my divorce but it was something I needed to do. I lived a life where I think I was sheltered from the harsh realities in life. Living a part of your life with a man who you thought you loved and loved you only to find he was constantly looking for someone to replace you with, or someone who was hotter, prettier, smarter....Yeah one of those, but I woke up and I moved on.

I believe that I was stuck in that Disney fantasy land that Prince Charming is real, and the evil queen dies in the end. Hmmmm, makes you think that good old Walt was on something that clouded his views a little, ever see Fantasia? My biggest wake-up call was moving to NYC. This was the move that humbled the hell out of me and more towards the end. I felt that I was losing myself and didn't know how I was going to land when I fell.

I can't really tell you what shook me back to reality. Maybe it was my inner self waiting for me to learn, or it could have been a number of things, but I know that when I leave this city I wont look back. I have learned that the people I love have hurt me and maybe I hurt them too, but I am sorry for not being perfect, and life is too short. I hope they know that I love them. Its hard to trust someone who has hurt you and harder to keep loving them when they continue to hurt without even acknowledging it. Its even harder to keep loving and not be in fear of being hurt or let down again.

I don't know and can't say what the future holds, but I know the past needs to stay in the past. Love and time heals all wounds and if its worth it, it will all work out in the end. But I love and will continue to fight for what I believe in and those I love, I wont give up. It doesn't matter if its a friend, family or a relationship, if you love that person or those people, fight for them, fight  for love, and remember that no one is perfect, but life if short.