Remembering Aunt Mary

On August 10th 2012 lost quite an amazing woman to cancer. I can't begin to tell you how ANGRY that makes me. Our family has had it pretty hard with this damn disease but I can tell you one thing its not breaking us down. My aunt was so very special, in every way. She was not wealthy but she had a heart of gold and to me that made her the richest woman in the world. She smiled every day, never complained, I never saw her angry ever and boy did she give great hugs and kisses.

How can a woman so amazing suffer from such a nasty disease? She held true to the end. I had just barely returned from my trip to California when I was informed that she was diagnosed and had 2-6 months depending on how fast the cancer spread. How could this be? I sat on my bed and I felt as if someone had shot me with a stun gun. With in the next few days I had called her, she had been very sick and it was hard to catch her feeling well enough to talk. When I finally got to speak with her I did all I could to hold in the tears. I still couldn't believe it but I told her how much she meant to me and how very much I loved her. She let me know she loved me too. That was the last time I spoke with her, but I am at peace knowing that I was able to let her know.

My aunt had a smile that could light up a room, a laugh that could cheer you up on the worst of days, and hugs that could melt your heart. She also was a carbon copy of my grandmother ( my mom's mother ). One memory of her that I hold so close to my heart is how I found out that my grandmother Virgie, on my fathers side had died. We had just moved back to West Virginia and we were over at my aunts house. I really wanted to see my grandma and sure I had been bugging my mother about it non stop. I know I had been called in the house and my aunt told me to come sit on her lap. She held me really close pointed at a photo hanging on the wall of my great grandparents. She asked me if I knew where they were and I said " Yes in heaven". I just remember her hugging me very close and she told me that my grandma was also now in heaven, that she had been very sick and had passed away.

To a kid in the 4th grade, it was hard to understand really what cancer was, but I knew I didn't like the word. I cried and she held me, rocking me in the chair, but I felt the love and comfort being with her. Now she is gone and no longer suffering. I can still hear her calling my name and laughing, " Janet Lee come here..." because I was always doing something silly, or falling down.


I have not felt this saddened since my uncle John was killed years ago, not that I was not sad for the passing of other family members, but there are some people that just are held a little closer to my heart. I hope that a cure for cancer will be found soon, but until then I will continue to donate to help find a cure.

 To my family I love you guys and my heart breaks that she is gone. And to my aunt Mary, your an amazing woman who I have always loved and will forever hold you in my heart. I love you! May you rest in peace!

Arriving at your cross road

In life I believe we take for granted so much, until we start getting older and thinking more about where we are going. You arrive at your cross road and think where now? What direction do I choose? I believe I have arrived at my cross road. Recently I have taken on quite a few changes. I moved from NYC back to FL, moved into our new home and drove 2,920 miles from FL to CA. Yes, that's right and I did all the driving on my own, well at least on the way there.

When  you drive this long you have plenty of time to think and I believe I did a ton of that without really knowing it. I thought about what I might do as a career, how can I improve myself and other things that really that don't matter. Today I walked the Golden Gate Bridge. Why? Well I love walking and what an amazing view we had. While I was walking, I thought more and more. I have done something that most people don't get to experience and seen some of the most beautiful and amazing things along the way. So what now? I am 38 and will be 40 in 2 years.

I have arrived at my cross road. I have skills from jobs I have had over the years, I have had experiences and ideas I can use to my advantage. I have worked and worked hard, dealt with crazy things all while wearing a smile and most of the time keeping my thoughts to myself because I have come to find out that you really can't trust people sometimes, however this is all a part of the circle of life.

I think I have held onto the negative from my life for too long, I worry way too damn much and I don't believe in myself as much as I really should. I have listened to the wrong people, and let them make decisions for my life they had no business making because somewhere along the line I let these people make me believe that I was not worthy of doing that myself.

I am now taking that power back, I am going to do the things that make me happy and that make me a better person. If these people are too negative for my life, they will be cut out, simple as that. I may have said this many times but this time I mean it. I have to do what's right for me now. I am going to try to write my blog posts more because I love writing and I am working on taking a script I wrote for a film short and turning it from 10 minutes of filming to 90 minutes and I know I can do it.

One quote from a movie I love really lays it all out , " So do all who see such times. But this is not for us to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that we are given". For me I  have decided to work harder at losing weight and to make sure  I am happy with me, it doesn't matter what any one else thinks. I have seen and made it through worse. I could lose everything I have worked so hard for, my home, my relationship, or anything in my life I value right now and I will still be ok. So where will I go at my cross road? This is for me to decide, but I know it will be great!

 

Perfect?

I am not perfect! This is a statement that if you know me or not, are well aware of. I have made mistakes, I have fallen down, let people down and just have not been myself at times, but I am not perfect. I was raised with this, " If you are pointing at someone there are always 3 fingers pointing right back at you.", now that at times is very hard to remember but it always hits you at just the right time.

I grew up in a family that didn't have much but we made the best of what we had, and I never at anytime if I had more threw it in peoples faces. I was the same person in middle school that lived in a trailer, that then lived in an awesome house with a pool and then to a house with no pool and smaller, but I was me. I treated my family the same as well as my friends. I thought it was how everyone should be but that wasn't the case.When you grow up you start to see that people you admired before aren't the same anymore, then the older you get the big picture gets a little clearer.

I went from being this naive southern girl to getting quite the reality wake-up call when I left West Virginia to start a new life after my divorce but it was something I needed to do. I lived a life where I think I was sheltered from the harsh realities in life. Living a part of your life with a man who you thought you loved and loved you only to find he was constantly looking for someone to replace you with, or someone who was hotter, prettier, smarter....Yeah one of those, but I woke up and I moved on.

I believe that I was stuck in that Disney fantasy land that Prince Charming is real, and the evil queen dies in the end. Hmmmm, makes you think that good old Walt was on something that clouded his views a little, ever see Fantasia? My biggest wake-up call was moving to NYC. This was the move that humbled the hell out of me and more towards the end. I felt that I was losing myself and didn't know how I was going to land when I fell.

I can't really tell you what shook me back to reality. Maybe it was my inner self waiting for me to learn, or it could have been a number of things, but I know that when I leave this city I wont look back. I have learned that the people I love have hurt me and maybe I hurt them too, but I am sorry for not being perfect, and life is too short. I hope they know that I love them. Its hard to trust someone who has hurt you and harder to keep loving them when they continue to hurt without even acknowledging it. Its even harder to keep loving and not be in fear of being hurt or let down again.

I don't know and can't say what the future holds, but I know the past needs to stay in the past. Love and time heals all wounds and if its worth it, it will all work out in the end. But I love and will continue to fight for what I believe in and those I love, I wont give up. It doesn't matter if its a friend, family or a relationship, if you love that person or those people, fight for them, fight  for love, and remember that no one is perfect, but life if short.

Out with the old and in with the new! Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 2012 is right around the corner. Some of you are just hours away from  the count down and others are a little than 12 hours away. So what do you hope for in the new year? There has been so much I have been thinking about, so much that I know that will help me have a happy and successful year ahead. So many times we make our resolutions always with the best of intentions of following them through, only to be distracted by the up hill battles that seem to come along our path. Why do we always let those things push us back down? I know for me it's been a big problem. Its time that I push through any troubles I may face and make my dreams a reality. It's never too late!

I have noticed also with people, as well as myself that part of the problem is we bring our worries and our past with us, why is that? The past should stay as just that, the past. We are suppose to learn lessons from our failures, or things that no longer exist and use what was learned to succeed. Life goes by so fast that before you know it, you are looking back with regrets. I have witnessed this in my life and with others. The things that I let pass me by, but instead of learning from it I somehow seem to hold on to it. If you did not succeed at something, take the lesson and move on. If a relationship failed, take the lesson and move on. If a friendship did not last, take the lesson and move on. Sometimes we look back at our past and long for the good times, but bringing the past into the future is nothing but a disaster waiting to happen. You can't go to an old job that made you miserable and expect it to be different. You can not revive some old friendships and expect them to fit and you definitely can not bring an old relationship into your future. I have seen people fail because of it, and it makes me wonder do they ever learn from their past mistakes really?

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago or even 20 years ago. I have been thinking about this a lot and noticed I have found myself saying I am still the same, but I am not at all, I am better. I am better for not staying where I lived 20 years ago, although the road has been long and littered with disappointment in many places, it has also had some great things. My Children being the best of it all, I love them and without them I am not sure where I would be. Having my kids at an early age, I am so thankful because if I hadn't I most likely would not have had children or not had children like they are.

I am thankful that I have gotten in contact with some old friends, but there are some that just don't need to be in my life.Some sadly enough I have had to cut contact with, not because I think I am too good, but they decided to hold onto the past, drama and things that I have said I would not bring into my future. Some people would look down on me for this, however this is my life and I am going nowhere but forward so I am no longer letting nothing or no one hold me back. Call me a snob if you will, but just because others want to thrive in drama, self pity and not make their life the best they can is not my problem to deal with, but I wish them the best. Lesson learned and go forward.

2012 is going to be about making my dreams come true. One of them is to have my own business, but until I have achieved that goal, I will work and concentrate on my goals ahead. I will have my own photography business and also hopefully be helping our indie film company under way. I love Scifi and Horror movies. I think it keeps your brain moving and your heart pumping. Romantic movies are silly, often make you sad and don't do anything for you, so stick with what is better right?We have some amazing stories to tell and with help of friends and family they will become a reality so watch for it in the future. Unrealistic? I don't think so, if Kevin Smith and Robert Rodriguez can do it, why not us?

I will try to leave my hurt and disappointment behind for this coming year. I will work hard and if I get knocked down I will get back up. I will concentrate more on the positive and leave the negative behind. My choices need to be for what I need to do to succeed and not what others think I need to do to succeed. I don't need to have tons of people behind me to support. I have a few friends that I hold close to my heart, everyone else I wish the best of luck. I do not see my new outlook as something bad, I see it as a way to find my success. The things that stress me out now will be out behind me, and with moving early in the new year, I will be healthier, I will lose the weight I need to lose and I will find my success. If people do not support me or can be happy for me then that is not my problem. Those things will all be a part of my past. I will learn and move on.



Love to all,

Janet

Merry Christmas!

Its Christmas eve and I know the people who know me best, know that Christmas time is my favorite time of year. For me the holidays has nothing to do with gifts, it's the excitement of the holidays, the smells from the baking and the decorations.Every year it all brings back the memories of when I was younger.

I always remember we had a huge tree, maybe it looked big because I was so small but I was always amazed by the size of the tree. Decorating the tree then turning on the lights was absolutely breath taking. There are so many Christmas holidays that I cherish, but there is one that always will stand out in my mind.

I believe I was almost 4 years old and my grandparents and 2 of my uncles spent Christmas at our house. My sister was just a few months old. The tree was decorated, my most loved family was with me and I couldn't ask for a better day. Making cookies and decorating ( and sneaking a few when backs were turned ) watching my favorite Christmas cartoons and the excitement that Santa would soon come by my house....But wait! We do not have a chimney, how in the world is Santa going to get in the house? It cracks me up to think of this, because what 4 year old thinks of these things? Obviously I did. I don't remember the exact details but I do remember I was completely stressed about it. Santa would not get his cookies, or see my note, how could this be happening?

I know my mother and step dad and grandparents were trying to assure me that Santa knew where to come and with all this magic would find a way to our tree. I was sleeping on the couch that night, as all little ones thoughts, they would sneak a little peek of Santa placing the gifts. I wanted more than anything to give Santa a big hug and say thank him for all the wonderful toys he always brought. Still not able to calm my grandmother told me I better go to sleep because Santa wont come if little kids do not listen and go to sleep.

Laying on the couch and really trying to go to sleep, the thoughts kept swirling through my head and although my eyes were closed I just could not go to sleep. All of the sudden I hear the sound of sleigh bells and I sat up and looked at everyone. I think my eyes almost popped out of my head and I said " Its Santa!". I wanted to jump off the couch and run to the door but I stayed right where I was. My grandfather came over and tucked me in and told me to go to sleep and when I wake up it will be Christmas. The excitement from hearing those sleigh bells knocked me right out and wouldn't you know, when I woke up, the cookies were eaten, the presents were under the tree and spread across the living room and I was one happy kid!

I later learned years after that it was my step grandfather outside on the porch with the sleigh bells. I smile when I think about that night knowing that he really did love me enough to help in that way. He passed away years ago, but is always in my heart. I don't remember not one present I got that Christmas, because that was not important. Years later, when I had my kids, it was always fun to do the same things that we had done when I was little. A trip to the tree farm, bring out the decorations, baking cookies, listening to Christmas music and snuggled up on the couch  with my babies in their pajamas watching our favorite holiday classics.

My kids are all almost grown now, but I hope that I was able to make their Christmas memories as special as the ones that I had when I was little. So now with Christmas day just hours away, just remember that the gifts will not last forever, its the memories we make. Decorations, the smells, the music, the classics and being with the ones you love.


Although I can not be with all of my family and friends this Christmas, I know that they are in my heart and I love them very much. Merry Christmas to everyone, I love you all!

Great advice!

Years ago I remember hearing this on the radio and it has stuck with me ever since. This was an Essay written by Mary Schmich and published by the Chicago Tribune June 1st 1997. Baz Luhrmann put the words with music in 1998 and it was played all the time. All I can say is I agree 100%

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

Mary Schmich Chicago Tribune

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are NOT as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen. I couldn't have said it better myself!

What's next? A look back and my views.

For far too long I have really put myself on the back burner for a lot of things. The one thing I will never regret doing it for is my children. I put off so many things but I wanted to make sure that I was there for them and that they had what they needed. Now my children are grown, so now I need to do something for myself!

Its a little scary because I am so use to taking care of them or everyone else and sometimes taking care of  others felt as if it was in vain. I have never been one to ask to be recognized for anything I do but its a common courtesy for someone to say "Thank You", which never really happens too much since I left West Virginia and moved North East. I think that after years of constantly doing for others, supporting others and whatever else, I started to become bitter about the way things went. I even started to question myself and wonder if it was just me and I have been assured by many that have known me for so many years, that there is nothing wrong with me and I should be a bit selfish. Selfish? hmmmm yeah, I can't do that really, Why? It's because I was not raised that way.

I can't say it was everyone that took advantage of my kindness, but there are a few people and they know who they are. Am I going to hold onto that grudge? Nope...I am working on a whole new me and I am going to let it go. It's a process because there have been people who I really trusted, or employers that I gave 110% to that just don't care or didn't care. In 2012 I am going to do what's best for me and screw the people who never believed in me. I think it took me almost 38 years to get to this point. Some people say I could have done this and that but with small children there are just sometimes you really can't. Family helped when they could and I couldn't trust daycare. I am thankful that I had my sister to help me out through those bad years, so very thankful, but she was trying to do the same as me, to live, so I waited.

I am glad I waited, because it has all been ONE HELL of a lesson and a long road to discovering me. I know that sometimes it's ok to walk away from situations and places that are not healthy. My marriage was my first part of discovery. I was a great wife and I did what I was suppose to. It was not my fault that my ex- husband cheated and was abusive. I felt guilty at first for walking away at first, but it was not my fault that he could not be faithful and that I was not enough for him, it was not my fault that he couldn't be truthful and it was not my fault for the abuse.You can't blame yourself for a relationship that just will not work and your the only one that see's it or can even be honest about it.

I have made mistakes along this road of discovery, but if you don't make mistakes, you can not learn or grow. So in that I have to forgive myself for either doing or not doing. I know I have to move past fear, and I know that I can not please everyone. I can do the best job that I can do and work hard towards what I believe in and if someone doesn't believe in me, well screw them! Why do I care what they think or feel. I am who I am and I am a pretty damn good person. My mom may not be perfect and we have our differences, but I know I am a lot like her in the way of not wanting to give up, working hard to show people what you are made of and what I can do. In that mom, I thank you. I know it wasn't easy raising us alone, but none of us are in jail or dead so you did well.

NYC has been another long part of my journey and I gave it my all. I also learned that behind all the bright lights and glamor, there is a ton of disappointment and a lot of people who will go out of their way to make you feel like you are worthless. I almost lost myself here but I found I was following the wrong path. I believe  most of my frustration stemmed from being told or made to feel that like your just not good enough. Not every experience was bad, but within the bad, I looked back and found the lesson and I can move on.  I am leaving NYC in the next few months, and I am looking forward to my oldest daughters graduation. I am so proud of her but worry as she is so much like me and wants to see the good in everyone. I also know she is very strong and will come to me for advise and guidance.
 
I learned that although you believe in yourself and in things so strongly, not everyone will have the same views. I can not do anything to make someone see my vision or point of view. In those cases where your up against a wall that won't come down, it's to drop your hammer and walk away because there is no need to tear down yourself in the process. So what's next? What will I do for me? The best part of it is, I can do anything I put my mind to, I just have to travel a different path and have patience, love myself and believe I know I can do it. I am smart, I am beautiful in my own and way and I really don't give a damn about those people, the ones I know to look out for now. The people who refuse to see my potential, the people who say they are friends but are out to screw you over every way they can. It's not too late for me to be successful. What about those walls that I may come against in the future that wont come down? Do what any other true southern girl would go, kick it in to 4 wheel drive and go right over it.

That is me, that is who I am!