For far too long I have really put myself on the back burner for a lot of things. The one thing I will never regret doing it for is my children. I put off so many things but I wanted to make sure that I was there for them and that they had what they needed. Now my children are grown, so now I need to do something for myself!
Its a little scary because I am so use to taking care of them or everyone else and sometimes taking care of others felt as if it was in vain. I have never been one to ask to be recognized for anything I do but its a common courtesy for someone to say "Thank You", which never really happens too much since I left West Virginia and moved North East. I think that after years of constantly doing for others, supporting others and whatever else, I started to become bitter about the way things went. I even started to question myself and wonder if it was just me and I have been assured by many that have known me for so many years, that there is nothing wrong with me and I should be a bit selfish. Selfish? hmmmm yeah, I can't do that really, Why? It's because I was not raised that way.
I can't say it was everyone that took advantage of my kindness, but there are a few people and they know who they are. Am I going to hold onto that grudge? Nope...I am working on a whole new me and I am going to let it go. It's a process because there have been people who I really trusted, or employers that I gave 110% to that just don't care or didn't care. In 2012 I am going to do what's best for me and screw the people who never believed in me. I think it took me almost 38 years to get to this point. Some people say I could have done this and that but with small children there are just sometimes you really can't. Family helped when they could and I couldn't trust daycare. I am thankful that I had my sister to help me out through those bad years, so very thankful, but she was trying to do the same as me, to live, so I waited.
I am glad I waited, because it has all been ONE HELL of a lesson and a long road to discovering me. I know that sometimes it's ok to walk away from situations and places that are not healthy. My marriage was my first part of discovery. I was a great wife and I did what I was suppose to. It was not my fault that my ex- husband cheated and was abusive. I felt guilty at first for walking away at first, but it was not my fault that he could not be faithful and that I was not enough for him, it was not my fault that he couldn't be truthful and it was not my fault for the abuse.You can't blame yourself for a relationship that just will not work and your the only one that see's it or can even be honest about it.
I have made mistakes along this road of discovery, but if you don't make mistakes, you can not learn or grow. So in that I have to forgive myself for either doing or not doing. I know I have to move past fear, and I know that I can not please everyone. I can do the best job that I can do and work hard towards what I believe in and if someone doesn't believe in me, well screw them! Why do I care what they think or feel. I am who I am and I am a pretty damn good person. My mom may not be perfect and we have our differences, but I know I am a lot like her in the way of not wanting to give up, working hard to show people what you are made of and what I can do. In that mom, I thank you. I know it wasn't easy raising us alone, but none of us are in jail or dead so you did well.
NYC has been another long part of my journey and I gave it my all. I also learned that behind all the bright lights and glamor, there is a ton of disappointment and a lot of people who will go out of their way to make you feel like you are worthless. I almost lost myself here but I found I was following the wrong path. I believe most of my frustration stemmed from being told or made to feel that like your just not good enough. Not every experience was bad, but within the bad, I looked back and found the lesson and I can move on. I am leaving NYC in the next few months, and I am looking forward to my oldest daughters graduation. I am so proud of her but worry as she is so much like me and wants to see the good in everyone. I also know she is very strong and will come to me for advise and guidance.
I learned that although you believe in yourself and in things so strongly, not everyone will have the same views. I can not do anything to make someone see my vision or point of view. In those cases where your up against a wall that won't come down, it's to drop your hammer and walk away because there is no need to tear down yourself in the process. So what's next? What will I do for me? The best part of it is, I can do anything I put my mind to, I just have to travel a different path and have patience, love myself and believe I know I can do it. I am smart, I am beautiful in my own and way and I really don't give a damn about those people, the ones I know to look out for now. The people who refuse to see my potential, the people who say they are friends but are out to screw you over every way they can. It's not too late for me to be successful. What about those walls that I may come against in the future that wont come down? Do what any other true southern girl would go, kick it in to 4 wheel drive and go right over it.
That is me, that is who I am!
Thank you for this, Janet.
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